JOKE of the DAY

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Dennisthe Menace
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby Dennisthe Menace » Tue Jun 29, 2010 4:32 pm

make the Mos' of it, choose the 'rite stuff.
.........Owner of 9 Mosrites...
.....proud owner and documented:
1963 "the Ventures" Model s/n #0038
http://www.thevintagerockproject.com/

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Dennisthe Menace
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby Dennisthe Menace » Tue Jun 29, 2010 4:40 pm

make the Mos' of it, choose the 'rite stuff.
.........Owner of 9 Mosrites...
.....proud owner and documented:
1963 "the Ventures" Model s/n #0038
http://www.thevintagerockproject.com/

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Sarah93003
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby Sarah93003 » Tue Jun 29, 2010 8:48 pm

I like that last one!
____________________
1965 Mosrite Celebrity Prototype with Vibramute
1972 Mosrite Celebrity-III
1977 Gibson MK-53
1982 Fender Bullet
1994 Gretsch Streamliner G3155 Custom
2005 Gibson Les Paul Standard Plus
2006 Jude Les Paul 12 String

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Dennisthe Menace
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby Dennisthe Menace » Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:49 am

'Webster's Musical Dictionary'

AGENT: a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.

ARRANGER: a guy who writes to support a drinking habit.

BALLET: an art form for people with eating disorders

BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet

BIG BAND: nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig.

CABARET: a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed
out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

CATERER: a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.

CHANTEUSE: a singer with an accent and no time.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

CLUB DATE LEADER: someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.

CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: a guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.

CONTRACTOR: a man whose funeral nobody goes to.

CRUISE SHIP WORK: a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DJ: the guy your son would rather have play his Bar Mitzvah

D-MINOR: a rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer.

DOUBLEBASS: the instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.

DOWNBEAT: the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

HOTEL PIANIST: a guy who looks good in a tux.

JAZZ: the only true American art form beloved by Europeans.

JAZZ FESTIVAL: an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

LYRIC: that part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.

MELLOPHONE: an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

METRONOME: the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.

MOVIE COMPOSER: someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE : a musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEARS EVE: the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it .

PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing.

PERFECT PITCH: the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PIANIST: an archaic term for a keyboard player.

PRODIGY: a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

RAGA: the official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.

RARE VIOLIN: a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

24\7: the time signature of the national anthem of India.

UNION REP: a guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: the part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

VIOLA D'AMORE: a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.

WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos.

YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music.

Cheers, :mrgreen:
make the Mos' of it, choose the 'rite stuff.
.........Owner of 9 Mosrites...
.....proud owner and documented:
1963 "the Ventures" Model s/n #0038
http://www.thevintagerockproject.com/

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Dennisthe Menace
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby Dennisthe Menace » Thu Jul 01, 2010 11:26 am

Subject: Think About This:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow,
born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her
calves to their stalls. However they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we
should just give each one of them a cow..

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by
a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this .....
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a
building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment… :mrgreen:
make the Mos' of it, choose the 'rite stuff.
.........Owner of 9 Mosrites...
.....proud owner and documented:
1963 "the Ventures" Model s/n #0038
http://www.thevintagerockproject.com/

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Dennisthe Menace
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby Dennisthe Menace » Wed Jul 07, 2010 2:30 pm

............................And Now - Life Explained......................

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about ten only and I'll give you back the other ten?

So God agreed....

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give a twenty year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I
give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll
give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.....

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this,
I'll give you twenty years."

But the humans said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give us our twenty, and the forty the cow
gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years,
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

LIFE has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. :mrgreen:
make the Mos' of it, choose the 'rite stuff.
.........Owner of 9 Mosrites...
.....proud owner and documented:
1963 "the Ventures" Model s/n #0038
http://www.thevintagerockproject.com/

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Dennisthe Menace
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby Dennisthe Menace » Sat Jul 17, 2010 1:47 pm

----------"Your Duck is Dead"----------

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
"Lab" Report and the "Cat" Scan, it's now $150." :mrgreen:
make the Mos' of it, choose the 'rite stuff.
.........Owner of 9 Mosrites...
.....proud owner and documented:
1963 "the Ventures" Model s/n #0038
http://www.thevintagerockproject.com/

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Dennisthe Menace
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby Dennisthe Menace » Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:21 pm

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!
make the Mos' of it, choose the 'rite stuff.
.........Owner of 9 Mosrites...
.....proud owner and documented:
1963 "the Ventures" Model s/n #0038
http://www.thevintagerockproject.com/

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wombat
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby wombat » Mon Aug 02, 2010 7:14 pm

Dennisthe Menace wrote:............................And Now - Life Explained......................

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about ten only and I'll give you back the other ten?

So God agreed....

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give a twenty year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.....

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the humans said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give us our twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

LIFE has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. :mrgreen:



Two things.

1. It has been established as common knowledge that posting in large fonts is rude.
2. It should also be common knowledge that making jokes about who many know as their Lord and creator of all that exists may be quite a lot more offensive than non-default font types.

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MWaldorf
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Re: JOKE of the DAY

Postby MWaldorf » Mon Aug 02, 2010 11:16 pm

wombat wrote:
Dennisthe Menace wrote:............................And Now - Life Explained......................

Two things.
1. It has been established as common knowledge that posting in large fonts is rude.
2. It should also be common knowledge that making jokes about who many know as their Lord and creator of all that exists may be quite a lot more offensive than non-default font types.


That's the best joke I've heard all day.
:roll:
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