JOKE of the DAY

[Dennisthe Menace]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened to you? You look terrible!'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
Bartender: 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and
one of those darn birds sh*t in my eye.'
'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird sh*t?'
Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.'

[Dennisthe Menace]

~~~~~~ Another Blonde Joke ~~~~~~

**********What Is EASTER?**********

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had
to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big
feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to heck.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth
and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to heck.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,
"So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.

The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ..
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

[Dennisthe Menace]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down,
and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,and repeats this again and again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..



(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)


(You know you're gonna be sorry)



( Last chance)

(OK, here it is)


It says,

"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."




HAVE A HAPPY EASTER!

[Dennisthe Menace]

Don't You Just Love This Country

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR ,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY, THE CENTURY......

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company . In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! ( Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

----------ONLY IN AMERICA----------

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS

[mosman]

Yeah but it makes for very entertaining reading.
Bill.

[Veenture]

moral of this story: HE WHO DIGS A HOLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE, FALLS INTO IT HIMSELF!

Enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.

[64sunburst]

...........naw, it was funny!


Byron

[Dennisthe Menace]

Aah!! My Ol' Town-"MIAMI"


ON a flight getting ready to depart for Miami .....
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale,
hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Miami, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots,
drugs, poor public schools and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Miami all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work,
mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there
and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[Veenture]

Nice tale ...no image appearing on my screen but that's ok, my imagination is still working fine!! heh, heh

[Dennisthe Menace]

Nice tale ...no image appearing on my screen but that's ok, my imagination is still working fine!! heh, heh

Awh no! Not again Again, after following Danny's steps, I double checked it, and it's showing on my side .......