JOKE of the DAY

[Dennisthe Menace]

A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'..
EXAMPLES:
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
THONDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST -- AS A MAN SEES IT . . .
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND
YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY.........
AND YOUR EX-WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?
A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS
'ONCE UPON A TIME . . . '
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS . . ..
'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS "Sh*t"

[oipunkguy]

[Olav]

Two couples were playing poker one evening....

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under
the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any
underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have me but it will cost you $500 thinking he would not

pay that much for it. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and

moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue said well OK you can have me and told him that since her husband Bob

worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m.

Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp -
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.



As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.And upon arriving, asked his wife:

'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he
give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He
came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd
stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

[Sarah93003]

That is SO bad!!

[Olav]

That is SO bad!!

Terrible joke wasn't it?

[Sarah93003]

That is SO bad!!

Terrible joke wasn't it?

Absolutely!

[Dennisthe Menace]

Correct use of the "F" word . . .

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has
been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,
my butt!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd
get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003...

[Dennisthe Menace]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[Dennisthe Menace]

Driver's License
- too cute not to forward

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32..'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce..'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'



'Because you got an F in sex.'

If you see someone without a smile today
give them one of yours!

[Sarah93003]

Correct use of the "F" word . . .

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has
been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,
my butt!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd
get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003...

Here's one for you:

8.5 "Hey! Where's that @#$%ing goofball with the goatee?"
--Crazy Horse to Sitting Bull, 1877